PSA: Trouble in Shondaland

I have been a huge fan of Shonda Rhimes and ABC's Thursday nights for as long as I can remember.  I watched and fell in love with Derek Shepherd when he chose to spend his life with Meredith Grey.  I cried when Denny, George, McSteamy, and Lexie died.  I gasped when Olivia Pope's mother turned against her country, her marriage, and her daughter and smiled when Olivia and Jake stood in the sun. Most importantly I praised the ABC network for the strong convictions and political statements they made in Shondaland.  I was impressed in 2006 when they dismissed Isaiah Washington from the Grey's Anatomy cast for making homophobic comments.  I find the strong black female lead, Olivia Pope, truly breathtaking.  I have loved that ABC does not try to hide race, sexuality, nor mental health issues, but rather the network celebrated characters' differences, their struggles, and their identities.  All that, however, has changed.

The new commercials airing on the ABC network promoting the return of Shondaland shows are incredibly distasteful, to say the least.  For those of you who have not seen them, the new #TGIT commercials depict characters from Scandal, Grey's Anatomy, and How To Get Away With Murder  in a satirical public service announcements, describing symptoms and ways to cope with the fictitious disorder, TGIT Withdrawal Disorder.  The commercials are clearly a play on ads for prescription medications for those suffering from actual mental health disorders.  In one commercial, How To Get Away With Murder actor, Jack Falahee, makes the statement, "Having TGIT off the air hurts you, me, everyone" echoing the format of a commercial for the antidepressant, Cymbalta.


For a network that has put a positive spin on controversial political issues for so many years to turn around and paint mental health in a humorous light is appalling and, honestly, disheartening.  Main characters in Grey's Anatomy and Scandal have suffered variying levels of mental illness throughout the Shondaland legacy - characters like Meredith, Christina, and Owen have sought out aid from mental health professionals to overcome depression and PTSD; Bailey lived with obsessive compulsive disorder and anxiety; the Chief struggles with an alcohol addiction; Mellie lived with depression after the loss of her son - all of which made the characters even more accessible, even more believable, and even more inspirational when they eventually overcame and coped with their obstacle. What they hell is ABC doing endorsing commercials that make fun of those that actually suffer?

Mental illnesses are invisible disabilities that cannot be seen and are rarely heard.  Those that suffer do so in silence because of the stigma surrounding mental health disorders, the most common being that those suffering from depression are "being dramatic."  These #TGIT Withdrawal Disorder commercials are only reinforcing this unfair stigma by satirizing actual disorders, making them seem as trivial as longing for a television show.  The suggestion to "dance it out," as a way to cope with their superficial sadness is even more infuriating when you consider how many people cope with depression by engaging in dance, exercise, and listening to music.

This is not to condemn ABC and Shonda Rhimes as deliberate haters of mental health and those that live with mental illness; I am sure the commercials were not made with malicious intentions.  The fact of the matter is that they are perpetuating the negative stigma surrounding mental illness and the commercials should be stopped.  I am disappointed in the network's severe oversight that the #TGIT PSA's could be seen as making light of and poking fun at the severity of mental health disorders, and I hope that they take caution moving forward.

Until this point Shonda Rhimes and ABC have done a truly wonderful job breaking the stigma surrounding mental illness; they showed us that depression could truly hurt everyone and everywhere, that self-medicating with alcohol and other drugs was not an option, and that suffering in silence only leads to more suffering.  Most importantly Shonda Rhimes showed us that those who suffer can also stand in the sun.  She inspired us when Izzie got up off the bathroom floor, when Smelly Mellie put on her red dress, when Christina got out of the bathtub, and when Bailey stepped into the operating room again.  Shonda Rhimes and ABC have made strong political statements throughout their time that have helped break so many unfair stigmas across countless social constructs; these commercials, however, are a serious misstep made by a terrible lack of judgement on behalf of the network, Rhimes, and the millions of fans that are praising the humor and creativity of these commercials. 

When The (Fire) Ball Drops

2014 was the longest, shortest, craziest, loudest, quietest, loneliest, bitchiest, sleepiest, most excitingly disastrous year of my life.  I have felt proud, capable, and motivated. I have felt lost, alone, and useless. I have made friends, lost friends, kissed friends and gone to the ends of the Earth for friends.  I have eaten out, slept in, jogged, skipped, crawled and lived.  2014 is almost over - and I could not be more thrilled.

Ringing in the New Year in 2014, I had this mantra: New Year, Same Me.  In light of the end of my relationship and the start of the new year, I was standing by the affirmation that I had not been the problemn- that we didn't break up because of anything I did.  It's not that I wasn't good enough for him, it's that we weren't good for each other.  Honestly, I stand by some of those thoughts today; however, the New Year, Same Me motto took an unexpected turn because I was totally, completely and ultimately wrong about myself.  I was not the Same Me in 2014.  In fact, I could not be more different.  I was wearing tighter clothes, drinking harder liquor, stomping around in higher heels, and singing at the top of my lungs.  My hair was blonder and longer and I was rough around the edges.  Guys were no longer approaching me at the bar because I seemed like the sweet girl-next-door, I was approaching them with a chip on my shoulder and a glass of whiskey in hand.

In the past year, I've also developed an incredible cool fear of commitment, closeness, and comfort.  I've been on dates with some of the nicest guys (like President Fitzgerald Grant, whom I have recently dumped, sorry again!) and some of the douchiest guys (shout out to the 6'9" ginger who asked me what my 'guilty pleasure' was before the waitress took our drink order).  No matter the guy, no matter the number of dates, I knew I was calling it off, and almost every time, I've been right.  I've kept a distance, pretending I just wanted to keep things casual.  No one meets my family - about that I was a stickler.  Any mention of "exclusive," "dating," or commitments made more than one week in advance were out of the question... which is interesting, because the Me of 2013 played those words on loop incessantly, consistently, over and over again, like a bad Colbie Caillat song. 

So, thank God 2014 is over and I cannot wait to meet the actual New Me when the ball drops.  Instead of the kerchief open-back cheetah print top and black coated jeans I tried to sport last year (thanks to my mom for not letting my ass out of the house), I will be wearing some variation of a generic black cocktail dress...not form-fitting. .  I will sip a beer, but not too many.  I will dance in a circle with my girlfriends, instead of dancing up on a guy I don't know.  And I will NOT be ordering any shots of Fireball. 

In 2015 I will only be happy and healthy.  I will only be kind to myself and others.  I will only be a person that I admire - a person that I am proud to be.  I honestly can't wait until the ball drops.  I have a feeling it's truly going to be a happy new year. 

Puppies, Pinot, and President Fitzgerald Grant

Learned helplessness is a concept that was developed by Martin Seligman through an experiment he conducted based on the behaviors of man's best friend.  Seligman sent electric currents through the bottoms of dogs' cages so their little piggy-toes were shocked.  These cages had no apparent escape route, so the dogs were forced to stay put and endure the pain.  At first the dogs squirmed and jumped and looked for ways out of their chambers.  Next, Seligman put these dogs in cages that actually had a way out and shocked them again. The dogs, though, didn't even try to escape.  They stayed put assuming that nothing had changed.  That they were stuck.  They were helpless.

Now, I know Seligman sounds like a douche, torturing those poor puppies and shocking their little paws. I'm not even an animal person and I know that sending electric currents through the cages of theses pooches is a bad move, but what Seligman discovered through this experiment is so unbelievably pertinent to our lives, he should at least get a fist bump for his findings.

I'm not about to tell you that breaking up with my ex-boyfriend was akin to having shocks sent through my toes and that I was in an inescapable cage of emotion. That would be a metaphor even I am not dramatic enough to extend, but I am going to proclaim that I have 100% learned to be helpless.

Tomorrow night I am going on my 5th date with President Fitzgerald Grant... a little pseudonym for the guy I've been seeing that watches Scandal.  Fitz and I have been seeing each other for about a month now and things have actually been going great! We drink coffee, go for walks, talk about our classes (he's a med student...swoon) and I'm totally comfortable.  The thing is that whenever my sisters or my friends ask me what he's like or how things are going, my answer is always the same:

...fine...

Not like an angry-been-in-a-bad-mood-all-week 'fine!' or an upbeat-better-than-good-but-I-don't-want-to-sound-too-eager 'fine...!'  It's more of a got-an-87-on-this-exam-which-is-4-points-above-average-but-I-am-not-over-the-moon-about-it-I-did 'fine.' Ya know what I mean? Which is so annoying because I actually think I really like Fitz.  He's smart and good looking and doesn't own more shoes than I do - talk about a catch!  He's awesome and I think we could be moving in the right direction, but I don't want to get my hopes up. 

And there it is, Ladies and Gents.  I am Seligman's puppy.  For the last two years I have been trying to make it work with my ex-boyfriend. Over and over again I have been in this relationship where I have been excited by the prospect of being together... and then I'm left totally and utterly disappointed when things don't work out.  I give my time, effort, emotions, tacos (one of only dishes I am willing to make on the reg), and I'm still eating the tacos alone.  Now I am helplessly and hopelessly on the verge of not trying anymore.  My sisters are all, "invite him to family game night!" and "let's get dim sum!" and I'm over here like, "should I even shave my legs for our date tonight?"

So, I no longer think that Seligman was trying to be a jerk; I think he was trying to figure out why we're so willing to give up when things aren't easy.  Because when we try and try to no avail, it seems like we should give up.  But I don't want to feel that way.  I don't want to be the kind of person that looks at the glass as half-empty or whatever. Who cares if it's half-full?  What's the worst that happens when it's empty?  I want to look at it and think that at least there is room for more Pinot! (My proverbial glass is a long-stem wine glass, which makes sense because there not supposed to be full. Think about it.)

Seligman and I on the same page about this whole learned helplessness concept.  It's totally learned, but I have good news!  Another forward-thinking-asshole of his time, John Watson, proved something else with a incredibly unethical experiment (another lesson for another day). Behaviors can be learned and UNLEARNED! We don't have to feel helpless forever! So, tomorrow night I'm going to be excited to see Fitz. I'm going to hope that things go well. I'm going to look forward to the future. 

And if things don't work out, I'm going to be fine. I'm going to look at the glass ready to be refilled. Plus, I'm lucky enough to know that some wine glasses are bigger than others anyway. 

What Football and Scandal Have In Common

I don't watch football.

Oh, let me clarify: I do not watch televised NFL games on Sunday afternoons.  I do, however, frequent high school and mights football games starring my incredibly athletic and gifted nephews, but that's not that kind of football I mean.  I mean, when I'm on a date and a guy asks me if I like the Patriots, he's undoubtedly going to be disappointed by my non-commital, "Eh, yeah, sort of."

I don't want to say 'no' exactly, because I have watched football before hundreds of times, and I don't hate it; I just don't love it.  But they want me to love football.  (Yes, I did just group all men into one large all-encompassing 'they').  Because THEY really do want me to.  It's not their fault though, and it's not mine either.

Us females, we are born into a world of pink, sparkles, and frills.  We are wrapped in blankets adorned in flowers.  We're given gifts wrapped rose-toned paper tied with lace.  We are taught that we are girls and we should like "girl things."  Not to be confused with boy things.  Footballs, wrapped in football wrapping paper, to toss around with football buddies before Monday night football.

You know, guy stuff.

Okay, so I'm exaggerating, but you get where I'm going with this.  People teach us what to like when we're younger, but then we grow up.

Little boys who like football grow up to be grown men who like football and everyone is totally fine with it.  Little girls who like ballet grow up to be grown women who love ballet but are watching football with their husbands on Sunday afternoons because they're cool wives.

We get older and men want the best of both worlds.  They want us to wear dresses and cook because that's what girls do, but they also want us to watch football and drink beer because that's what makes us cool.  How confusing is that? The things we we're taught are strictly for boys when we're little are now the things we're being asked to like.  Wait a second... I have an idea!

Men should like shopping.  Men should like Grey's Anatomy.  Men should like flowers.  Men should like what we like.  I don't consider myself a feminist by any means, but I do think that we're living a double standard, and ya know what?  I find myself perpetuating that double standard.

Last week I went on a date with a new guy I met on OkCupid (I've upgraded from Tinder to OkCupid).  We met at a restaurant for drinks.  I wish I remember what he was drinking, but I remember thinking, 'okay, good choice,' when he ordered.  I like beer, so I get worked up when a guy orders a Coors Lite or something on a date.  Huge turn-off.  Anyway, I was sipping on a Shipyard Pumpkinhead, not wanting to come off too masculine by ordering a lager or something, when he asked my least favorite question...

So, do you like football?

At which point I stuttered through my explanation of how I could see myself watching football with someone who cares about it, but how I would never sit down to watch the Pats on my own. 

Oh, what do you like to watch? Grey's Anatomy? Scandal?

To which I answered honestly, "Both."

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this because I know it's a girl show, but I watch Scandal, too. 

I had no idea what to say, but I didn't have to think of anything because the conversation moved quickly to red wine, our jobs, our families, etc.  But I kept thinking about Scandal.  Did I think it was weird that he liked it? Sort of.  I thought maybe he's gay.  Then I thought maybe he doesn't know he's gay, but then the more I thought about it, I realized: THIS ROCKS! IF THIS WORKS OUT WE COULD WATCH SCANDAL ON THURSDAYS!

That's the thing, we forget that guys can like "girl things," too.  It doesn't make them homosexuals, it makes them fun for girls to hang around with, the same way liking sports makes girls fun for guys to hang around with.

I feel like I'm rambling, but I'm gonna try to zero in on a point here: Gentlemen, it's okay for you to want a girl who likes sports, but it's also okay to like some of the girly things in life! And Ladies, it's okay for you to ask a guy to likes the things you like.  It doesn't make him less manly, if anything, I think it makes him more attractive.  Think of all of the potential shopping trips, paint nights, and Bachelor marathons in your future if you find the right man for the job.