To The Boy Who Asked Me To Dance: An Apology

I was just scrolling through my NewsFeed and saw that you posted a status about the snow.  You're writing a book?? Or making a joke.  I can't tell.  I never understood your sense of humor in high school.  Actually, I never really noticed you in high school, except for at our Freshman Semi-Formal.  I want to talk to you about that.

I really owe you an apology.  When I heard through the grapevine that you were thinking about asking me to the dance, I'm not sure if you know this, but I responded like a total bitch.  It's not like anyone else was asking me, but I thought I was too good for you.  I thought you were weird.  You were always wearing that polo shirt tucked into your khakis, walking around talking about books that no one had ever heard of.  You hung around with that wicked short skinny kid with the spiked messy hair.  He wore the same leather trench coat everyday and the two of you probably talked about... I have no idea what you could've been talking about, but I knew I was too cool for you. Well, I thought I was too cool for you, so back through the grapevine I sent the message that I wanted to go to the dance with my girlfriends. You know, to let you down easy before you actually asked me. 

That night I got all dolled up in my White House Black Market strapless dress (my tastes haven't changed much) and bobbed my head to the beat in a circle of my friends wishing silently that the cute boy on the basketball team would ask me to dance next slow song.  He didn't, but you did.  You walked right over, wearing your suit jacket and tie (totally overdressed in the sea of DEB dresses and Old Navy slacks) and asked if I would dance with you.  Feeling awkward and reluctant, but not wanting to be rude, I said yes. 

Your hands were all clammy and so was your brow line and I felt so embarrassed not wanting anyone to see us dancing together. I remember looking around the gym, thinking everyone was staring at me - at us.  My friends stood together a few feet away, some giggling, some giving me apologetic "it's almost over" glances. You weren't watching them though, you were looking right at me. 

Thirty seconds into the song, "I... uhm.. I have to go to the bathroom." 

That was the best I could do? Seriously?  I said it and I ran to the to meet my BFF and left you there, standing near the DJ, alone. And I am truly sorry. 

Because now here I am eight years later drowning in a sea of unanswered OkCupid messages, hoping that boys men will text me first, hold the door, or buy my beer.  I, like so many women, fall for guys who don't want to commit to me, nor be seen together in public.  I fall for the sorry-my-phones-been-dead-for-three-weeks texts and the I'm-not-looking-for-a-girlfriend-but-if-I-was-it-would-be-you excuses.  I would kill for a guy to approach me now with the same confidence you did at our first high school semi-formal.... to walk right up to me and ask me to dance right there in front of everyone.  I didn't know it then, but clearly you were too cool for me.

You probably still are, as far as FaceBook can tell me.  You understand that there is more to the world than what's right under  our noses.  You raise funds for dreamers, and watch movies and football, and read books, and still wear your shirts tucked into your khakis.  I'm sure you're doing well, and I hope you are.  So, even if you don't remember this night, I wanted to tell you that I do, and I wanted to say that I'm sorry.  You deserved a better dance partner. 

What Football and Scandal Have In Common

I don't watch football.

Oh, let me clarify: I do not watch televised NFL games on Sunday afternoons.  I do, however, frequent high school and mights football games starring my incredibly athletic and gifted nephews, but that's not that kind of football I mean.  I mean, when I'm on a date and a guy asks me if I like the Patriots, he's undoubtedly going to be disappointed by my non-commital, "Eh, yeah, sort of."

I don't want to say 'no' exactly, because I have watched football before hundreds of times, and I don't hate it; I just don't love it.  But they want me to love football.  (Yes, I did just group all men into one large all-encompassing 'they').  Because THEY really do want me to.  It's not their fault though, and it's not mine either.

Us females, we are born into a world of pink, sparkles, and frills.  We are wrapped in blankets adorned in flowers.  We're given gifts wrapped rose-toned paper tied with lace.  We are taught that we are girls and we should like "girl things."  Not to be confused with boy things.  Footballs, wrapped in football wrapping paper, to toss around with football buddies before Monday night football.

You know, guy stuff.

Okay, so I'm exaggerating, but you get where I'm going with this.  People teach us what to like when we're younger, but then we grow up.

Little boys who like football grow up to be grown men who like football and everyone is totally fine with it.  Little girls who like ballet grow up to be grown women who love ballet but are watching football with their husbands on Sunday afternoons because they're cool wives.

We get older and men want the best of both worlds.  They want us to wear dresses and cook because that's what girls do, but they also want us to watch football and drink beer because that's what makes us cool.  How confusing is that? The things we we're taught are strictly for boys when we're little are now the things we're being asked to like.  Wait a second... I have an idea!

Men should like shopping.  Men should like Grey's Anatomy.  Men should like flowers.  Men should like what we like.  I don't consider myself a feminist by any means, but I do think that we're living a double standard, and ya know what?  I find myself perpetuating that double standard.

Last week I went on a date with a new guy I met on OkCupid (I've upgraded from Tinder to OkCupid).  We met at a restaurant for drinks.  I wish I remember what he was drinking, but I remember thinking, 'okay, good choice,' when he ordered.  I like beer, so I get worked up when a guy orders a Coors Lite or something on a date.  Huge turn-off.  Anyway, I was sipping on a Shipyard Pumpkinhead, not wanting to come off too masculine by ordering a lager or something, when he asked my least favorite question...

So, do you like football?

At which point I stuttered through my explanation of how I could see myself watching football with someone who cares about it, but how I would never sit down to watch the Pats on my own. 

Oh, what do you like to watch? Grey's Anatomy? Scandal?

To which I answered honestly, "Both."

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this because I know it's a girl show, but I watch Scandal, too. 

I had no idea what to say, but I didn't have to think of anything because the conversation moved quickly to red wine, our jobs, our families, etc.  But I kept thinking about Scandal.  Did I think it was weird that he liked it? Sort of.  I thought maybe he's gay.  Then I thought maybe he doesn't know he's gay, but then the more I thought about it, I realized: THIS ROCKS! IF THIS WORKS OUT WE COULD WATCH SCANDAL ON THURSDAYS!

That's the thing, we forget that guys can like "girl things," too.  It doesn't make them homosexuals, it makes them fun for girls to hang around with, the same way liking sports makes girls fun for guys to hang around with.

I feel like I'm rambling, but I'm gonna try to zero in on a point here: Gentlemen, it's okay for you to want a girl who likes sports, but it's also okay to like some of the girly things in life! And Ladies, it's okay for you to ask a guy to likes the things you like.  It doesn't make him less manly, if anything, I think it makes him more attractive.  Think of all of the potential shopping trips, paint nights, and Bachelor marathons in your future if you find the right man for the job.  

Flight or... Nope, That's It. Just Flight.

I always bring the most fun facts parties.  That's why I'm invited to so many hip-posh-cool dinner parties where people talk about cool things, like the latest fashion trends, who's dating who in the celebrity circles, and why they 'literally can't even' with girls who still wear Ugg boots (Can you tell I don't have that many girl friends?).  So, if you've ever been at one of those super cool-hip-posh parties with me, you'd know that my favorite and most fun fact is the following:

Contrary to popular belief, women are less likely than men to be victims of violent crime.

People love to hear that.  They're always like, "What? Really? Tell us more!" Which is, I'm sure, how you're feeling right now.  No worries, I'd never leave you hanging!

The reason that us girls are less likely to be victims of violent crimes is because we're scared.  You know when you're walking out to your car after a long day of outlet shopping and the parking lot is dark because you had to stay 'til close because you couldn't decide between the black blazer at J.Crew or the red blazer at BCBG?  You're leaving the store and you say to your friend, "Hey, hop in, I'll drive you to your car. Mine's closer."  You've actually just saved her life.  Now, maybe it's because your feet are tired from strutting around all day window shopping in your cute, yet impractical, Tori Burch flats so you assume her feet are tired to, but the reason you decide to stick together should ultimately be because it's safer.  Even if that's not what you're thinking, we, as women, engage in more preventative behaviors that make us less likely to be victims!

Let me break it down for you.

you're scared = you stick together = you're safer

So, why don't men engage in these same behaviors?  They make sense, right?  The buddy system, parking in well-lit areas, parking closer to buildings, etc. Well, let me tell you. It's society's fault. 

Men are, in my opinion, actually socialized NOT to engage in these safe, preventative behaviors.  For starters, boys are raised from a young age to assume that they are tougher than girls.  Scary movies, violent video games, rock 'em sock 'em robots: all male-oriented things.  Even bugs (which pose a serious threat if you ask me, especially spiders) are for boys because naturally boys are stronger, tougher, and less scared.  In essence, they are taught to FIGHT when a threatening situation arises.

Not us though, girls, we have been told the total opposite.  FLIGHT, ladies, the answer is always FLIGHT. We, unlike boys, are constantly reminded that we are in the midst of the dangers of the world and we are bombarded with messages about how to keep ourselves safe.  Our parents remind us to never leave a party alone, men offer to walk us to the car, and we are given pepper spray for our 16th birthdays... That last one might have just been me.

I say there's nothing wrong with flight.  When you're scared, that's good, BE SCARED and take the proper precautions.  And finally, tell you're boyfriend, brother, dad, cousin, best (boy) friend to cut the shit.  Make him let you drive him to his car.  Make sure he parks closer to the building.  Don't make him stand up for you at the bar when a creepy guy makes a comment about your ass.  Tell him you're not looking for superman, but that you want to live a life where no one needs to call superman! 

We, as twenty-somethings, live in a universal "it could never happen to me" mentality that literally sets us up for it to happen to us!  I'm not saying to live in fear, but what I am saying is that sometimes it's healthy to be a little scared: it could save your life...

Take a second to watch this snip-it from Oprah about the Gift of Fear. Kelly (the girl from the story) experienced something awful, but the gift of fear saved her life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBProrposzc&feature=youtu.be