I haven't written anything here in a while, and honestly it's because I haven't really had anything to say. Which is weird for me, because I ALWAYS have something to say.
Then I got to thinking, maybe it's good I couldn't think of anything. Maybe it means that I am moving on - moving forward. Maybe my heart is mending itself.... which is partially why I haven't been writing: I am definitely on the mend. I have been feeling better about myself, about my body, about who I am as a person; but that's not the whole story. I've really begun to ask myself: how much of my self-worth comes from within and how much I base it on other people?
Let me explain, for the month up until spring break I was going to the gym five days a week with a friend of mine that is incredibly fit. She was, and still is, running me through ab workouts, leg workouts, bike workouts, etc. She's like my own personal trainer and I'm finally feeling good about myself again. Don't get me wrong, what I burn in calories, I make up for in beer consumption, so I have lost ZERO pounds. But I'm feeling good and that's what matters.
See, that's where I question myself. Do I feel good because the exercise is my way of releasing stress or accomplishing something? Sort of. I definitely don't find exercise - cardio or otherwise - therapeutic at all. That whole "running is my escape" mantra is awesome for some people, unfortunately I don't fall into that category. So I guess only half of my reason for working out is that it makes me feel good physically... so what else?
The problem is that sometimes I catch myself doing things because it's how I want to be seen by others. I want other people to see me as as fit as my friend, thus, I am working out with my friend. Is that the worst thing in the world? Absolutely not. Any motivation can be considered good motivation as long as it's not hurting anyone. But still, something about that irks me.
But it's not just that I want to be seen in a certain way, it's that I feel desperate for the acceptance of others. I know I'm not alone in saying that I wish I had more friends; I feel like everyone does, and if you don't you're lying... or maybe you're not. Maybe some people are perfectly content with the number of people that they wave to when they walk across campus, or how many different pregames they are invited to on a saturday night. And to them, I guess, kudos! But I want everyone to like me, which is clearly never going to be possible, but for some reason I'm still that girl at the bar complimenting everyone's shirt and trying to remember everyone's major, or life plans, or dog's name -- and it's not a matter of acting fake because I'm truly not. I think I just like being liked! But sometimes I wish I could just be more content. Like "you don't have to be friends with the girl washing her hand's in the bathroom, Self, just let her rinse them in peace." But I can't, and I don't know why.... and worse than that, I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing - a virtue or an annoying flaw - because trying to be friends with people is something I like about myself, but I find it annoying about myself at the same time.
Annnnnd finally, why do I feel like I need every guy to want to make out with me? It's possibly one of the things about myself that annoys me the most. For the past two years I prided myself on being that girl who never went out prowling for guys. I was the girl ready to drink beer and hang out with my friends, never worried about if the guy across the room thought I was pretty. Now, that's so far from how I act I can't stand it. I'm falling into the typical college girl trap and I hate it, but I clearly don't hate it that much because I'm still doing it. I'm walking into bars, scanning the room for the cute guy I kissed last week, the boy from my Tuesday - Thursday class that sits across the room, or the guy who only gives me the time of day when there isn't a new sneaker being released the next day (weird non-relatable reference, sorry). But that's just my whole point, why am I so concerned about what they think of me? They barely even know me! Most of the guys I've made out with in the past three months haven't known me at all, but I'm so desperate to make them want to kiss me. What is that? That, my friends, is how girls mend their hearts.
I'm not pathetic, I'm NORMAL. When you're heart is broken because someone doesn't want to be with you anymore, that's a terrible feeling. It felt like something was wrong with me. Maybe I'm not pretty enough, or nice enough, or blah blah blah... and I don't have his approval, so I've been looking elsewhere. A lot of girls do it, and honestly, I think it's okay! Even if my motivation for going to the gym is flawed, I'm going! And if I'm taking extra time to do my hair because I want a guy to think that it's actually long instead of hair extensions (no secret, I wear hair extensions), then so be it!
Self-worth is a tricky thing when you're heart is broken when for so long your value was dependent on someone else. And it's going to take some time to love yourself enough for two people, so until then do it how you feel it... and put on some lipgloss, you never know who's looking.
