PSA: Trouble in Shondaland

I have been a huge fan of Shonda Rhimes and ABC's Thursday nights for as long as I can remember.  I watched and fell in love with Derek Shepherd when he chose to spend his life with Meredith Grey.  I cried when Denny, George, McSteamy, and Lexie died.  I gasped when Olivia Pope's mother turned against her country, her marriage, and her daughter and smiled when Olivia and Jake stood in the sun. Most importantly I praised the ABC network for the strong convictions and political statements they made in Shondaland.  I was impressed in 2006 when they dismissed Isaiah Washington from the Grey's Anatomy cast for making homophobic comments.  I find the strong black female lead, Olivia Pope, truly breathtaking.  I have loved that ABC does not try to hide race, sexuality, nor mental health issues, but rather the network celebrated characters' differences, their struggles, and their identities.  All that, however, has changed.

The new commercials airing on the ABC network promoting the return of Shondaland shows are incredibly distasteful, to say the least.  For those of you who have not seen them, the new #TGIT commercials depict characters from Scandal, Grey's Anatomy, and How To Get Away With Murder  in a satirical public service announcements, describing symptoms and ways to cope with the fictitious disorder, TGIT Withdrawal Disorder.  The commercials are clearly a play on ads for prescription medications for those suffering from actual mental health disorders.  In one commercial, How To Get Away With Murder actor, Jack Falahee, makes the statement, "Having TGIT off the air hurts you, me, everyone" echoing the format of a commercial for the antidepressant, Cymbalta.


For a network that has put a positive spin on controversial political issues for so many years to turn around and paint mental health in a humorous light is appalling and, honestly, disheartening.  Main characters in Grey's Anatomy and Scandal have suffered variying levels of mental illness throughout the Shondaland legacy - characters like Meredith, Christina, and Owen have sought out aid from mental health professionals to overcome depression and PTSD; Bailey lived with obsessive compulsive disorder and anxiety; the Chief struggles with an alcohol addiction; Mellie lived with depression after the loss of her son - all of which made the characters even more accessible, even more believable, and even more inspirational when they eventually overcame and coped with their obstacle. What they hell is ABC doing endorsing commercials that make fun of those that actually suffer?

Mental illnesses are invisible disabilities that cannot be seen and are rarely heard.  Those that suffer do so in silence because of the stigma surrounding mental health disorders, the most common being that those suffering from depression are "being dramatic."  These #TGIT Withdrawal Disorder commercials are only reinforcing this unfair stigma by satirizing actual disorders, making them seem as trivial as longing for a television show.  The suggestion to "dance it out," as a way to cope with their superficial sadness is even more infuriating when you consider how many people cope with depression by engaging in dance, exercise, and listening to music.

This is not to condemn ABC and Shonda Rhimes as deliberate haters of mental health and those that live with mental illness; I am sure the commercials were not made with malicious intentions.  The fact of the matter is that they are perpetuating the negative stigma surrounding mental illness and the commercials should be stopped.  I am disappointed in the network's severe oversight that the #TGIT PSA's could be seen as making light of and poking fun at the severity of mental health disorders, and I hope that they take caution moving forward.

Until this point Shonda Rhimes and ABC have done a truly wonderful job breaking the stigma surrounding mental illness; they showed us that depression could truly hurt everyone and everywhere, that self-medicating with alcohol and other drugs was not an option, and that suffering in silence only leads to more suffering.  Most importantly Shonda Rhimes showed us that those who suffer can also stand in the sun.  She inspired us when Izzie got up off the bathroom floor, when Smelly Mellie put on her red dress, when Christina got out of the bathtub, and when Bailey stepped into the operating room again.  Shonda Rhimes and ABC have made strong political statements throughout their time that have helped break so many unfair stigmas across countless social constructs; these commercials, however, are a serious misstep made by a terrible lack of judgement on behalf of the network, Rhimes, and the millions of fans that are praising the humor and creativity of these commercials. 

All This Time I Was Finding Myself and I Didn't Know I Was Lost

Two years ago on Thanksgiving, I didn't really take time to reflect on what I was thankful for.  We went to dinner at my aunt's house.  I was disgruntled because my sister and her (at the time) fiance left for New York a day early and left me to suffer through the family dinner alone.  We had always gone to my grandfather's house for Thanksgiving, but he was too sick to host in 2012.  I left dinner early to head to the Outlets for - not one, but - two 8 hour shifts selling jeans and cardigans and statement necklaces to preteens and housewives and tourists alike.  Saturday morning, after the treacherous Black Friday from Hell, I literally took a car, a train, and a boat to spend the rest of the holiday with my boyfriend.  And I was thankful for that.

Last year, I wrote a blog post about how thankful I was (*and still am) for my brothers and sisters.  How we rally together and stand strong and how they've shown me what family truly is.  I was (*and still am) thankful for our relationships that could've easily been halved, but have instead flourished as full in the truest of ways.

This year, I am having a really hard time articulating what I'm grateful for, which actually sounds really freaking selfish.  Obviously I have things to be grateful for, after all, Instagram sent me huge reminders of that all weekend long...

But reading that quote over and over and over again got me to thinking.  What if there's not? What if the things I should be most thankful for are the things that I don't have.  And so, here is my list.  The first ever list of things I am thankful not to have this year:

I am thankful that I am not, in any way, disabled physically or mentally.  I have been blessed with a healthy body, a strong immune system, and a sound mind.  I have not combated a terminal illness. I have not been in fatal or life-threatening accident.  I have been blessed when others have not, and I thank God for that. 

I am thankful that I do not experience fear, anxiety, or insecurity when I think about where my next meal is coming from.  I am lucky enough to have food on the table consistently, more than I need, and more than I deserve. 

I am thankful that I do not have a doubt in my mind who has my back.  When I am scared or hurt or saddened or ecstatic, I do not have a second thought about who to call.  I do not wonder if my family will care, if my mom will attend to my question or call, or if my friends will be there when I need them.

I am thankful that I do not have you - you who pulled me down, who pulled me back, who held onto me too long without wanting me to stay.  You who changed my life, who taught me to love, and who taught me to walk away when the time was right.  You who let others opinions shape your life, my life, our lives together.  You who still brings tears to my eyes, a lump to my throat, and rock to the empty pit of my stomach.  While I would've loved to have had you, I am becoming thankful that I do not. 

Because I am not yet who I hope to become, and I am thankful for that.  I am thankful that I am not bound to who I was before now and that my growth is endless.  I am becoming the ideal Me.  The Me that doesn't need you.  The Me that stands alone, happy.

What I am most thankful for, that I do have, is time.  All of these things that I do and don't have are leading me on this journey to find myself, and I am grateful for the opportunity.  So many others are not blessed with the chance to find themselves. I have that chance and I want to hold onto it as long as I can - so I'm thankful that I'm not there yet. 

Today Is Evaluation Day. The Key Word Being Value. Do You Have Any?

I haven't written anything here in a while, and honestly it's because I haven't really had anything to say. Which is weird for me, because I ALWAYS have something to say.

Then I got to thinking, maybe it's good I couldn't think of anything.  Maybe it means that I am moving on - moving forward.  Maybe my heart is mending itself.... which is partially why I haven't been writing: I am definitely on the mend.  I have been feeling better about myself, about my body, about who I am as a person; but that's not the whole story.  I've really begun to ask myself: how much of my self-worth comes from within and how much I base it on other people?

Let me explain, for the month up until spring break I was going to the gym five days a week with a friend of mine that is incredibly fit.  She was, and still is, running me through ab workouts, leg workouts, bike workouts, etc. She's like my own personal trainer and I'm finally feeling good about myself again.  Don't get me wrong, what I burn in calories, I make up for in beer consumption, so I have lost ZERO pounds.  But I'm feeling good and that's what matters.

See, that's where I question myself.  Do I feel good because the exercise is my way of releasing stress or accomplishing something? Sort of.  I definitely don't find exercise - cardio or otherwise - therapeutic at all.  That whole "running is my escape" mantra is awesome for some people, unfortunately I don't fall into that category.  So I guess only half of my reason for working out is that it makes me feel good physically... so what else?

The problem is that sometimes I catch myself doing things because it's how I want to be seen by others.  I want other people to see me as as fit as my friend, thus, I am working out with my friend.  Is that the worst thing in the world?  Absolutely not.  Any motivation can be considered good motivation as long as it's not hurting anyone.  But still, something about that irks me.

But it's not just that I want to be seen in a certain way, it's that I feel desperate for the acceptance of others.  I know I'm not alone in saying that I wish I had more friends; I feel like everyone does, and if you don't you're lying... or maybe you're not.  Maybe some people are perfectly content with the number of people that they wave to when they walk across campus, or how many different pregames they are invited to on a saturday night. And to them, I guess, kudos! But I want everyone to like me, which is clearly never going to be possible, but for some reason I'm still that girl at the bar complimenting everyone's shirt and trying to remember everyone's major, or life plans, or dog's name --  and it's not a matter of acting fake because I'm truly not.  I think I just like being liked! But sometimes I wish I could just be more content.  Like "you don't have to be friends with the girl washing her hand's in the bathroom, Self, just let her rinse them in peace." But I can't, and I don't know why.... and worse than that, I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing - a virtue or an annoying flaw - because trying to be friends with people is something I like about myself, but I find it annoying about myself at the same time.

Annnnnd finally, why do I feel like I need every guy to want to make out with me?  It's possibly one of the things about myself that annoys me the most.  For the past two years I prided myself on being that girl who never went out prowling for guys.  I was the girl ready to drink beer and hang out with my friends, never worried about if the guy across the room thought I was pretty.  Now, that's so far from how I act I can't stand it.  I'm falling into the typical college girl trap and I hate it, but I clearly don't hate it that much because I'm still doing it.  I'm walking into bars, scanning the room for the cute guy I kissed last week, the boy from my Tuesday - Thursday class that sits across the room, or the guy who only gives me the time of day when there isn't a new sneaker being released the next day (weird non-relatable reference, sorry). But that's just my whole point, why am I so concerned about what they think of me?  They barely even know me!  Most of the guys I've made out with in the past three months haven't known me at all, but I'm so desperate to make them want to kiss me.  What is that?  That, my friends, is how girls mend their hearts.

I'm not pathetic, I'm NORMAL.  When you're heart is broken because someone doesn't want to be with you anymore, that's a terrible feeling.  It felt like something was wrong with me.  Maybe I'm not pretty enough, or nice enough, or blah blah blah... and I don't have his approval, so I've been looking elsewhere.  A lot of girls do it, and honestly, I think it's okay!  Even if my motivation for going to the gym is flawed, I'm going!  And if I'm taking extra time to do my hair because I want a guy to think that it's actually long instead of hair extensions (no secret, I wear hair extensions), then so be it!

Self-worth is a tricky thing when you're heart is broken when for so long your value was dependent on someone else.  And it's going to take some time to love yourself enough for two people, so until then do it how you feel it... and put on some lipgloss, you never know who's looking.